This is my blog, i come clean here. Any passerby who happened to read it, keep your mouth shut and don't ask anything. Because this is my blog, i don't want to lock it or whatsoever just to avoid comments. Be civilized enough to do some respect here please.

You know this is for you. I don't want to type in chinese cos i can't express much.

Alright, i be totally honest here with you cos i don't see any reason to not be true anymore. Since we've come to this stage where we are so helpless, i might as well just grab this chance to express.

Right from the beginning when the feeling grow, i knew this is wrong. But i couldn't care much because your girlfriend is one of the reason why i want to bring you away. You know you deserve someone better. Fine, yes. The both of you is together for 2 years +, so what? Ok fine again, it isn't that easy to let go a two years relationship despite the fact that she did soemthign terrible twice. You still don't want to let go. OK!! That is your choice i don't want to comment further.

I know i am selfish to keep wanting you to so called give me a status. It is not that i don't know you don't feel good. I know that you don't feel good saying things that i say because of your gf. That is why whenever i say those things, all you answer is "嗯“. All this i know and i understand. But why am i so upset isn't because you are always giving me the same reply, i am upset because i don't even know if you want to hear those things. Knowing that you have your reasons for not responding is one thing, wanting to hear them is another thing. If you enjoy me saying those things to you but you can't reply me, let me know. So that i know at lease that you want to hear them. At lease i know i am not doing all this alone here. It takes two hands to clap.

I am trying very hard and my very best to play by the rules of this game. Pardon me as i am raw in this. I have never gotten into this kind of relationship before and so do you yes i know. Honestly, i just want you to open up and tell me what would you like me to do. I do find myself annoying too when i kept feeling this way. I really want to bring you away but as i said, a part of me don't want to.

It hurts so so much when i see you type those words. I admit i neglected your feelings when i said those things just now. I seriously don't want to put any pressure on you because i know you don't feel good yourself too. But it still comes back to the same thing, I just want you to open up and tell me what you want and not me doing whatever i feel like and you don't know how to respond and then try to move on to another subject. I know you are just trying to make things better by doing so. I am sorry for not showing my appreciations by bringing it up again. I mean, i was waiting for your answer for so long but you dont seem to be going into the topic again that i s why i brought it up again. I just want to get it done. Get what i mean? I am so sorry i made you upset.

And it is the stupidest question to ask me if i want to end things, Honey you know clearly how much you mean to me and you ask yourself, do you want to let go of me? No. So don't ask me that question anymore alright? Each time you do that, it just makes me feel like you're ready to let go. Which hurts to see that happen.

Nicole Christine Au
Eleven December 1987
Hongkonger