I was suppose to be up at 630 this morning to go for breakfast with mama and go to jst together. It was suppose to be a surprise but i've already told her i am going to have breakfast with her but apparently she didn't wake me up and maybe missed the uniform hanging there. So when i wake up this morning it was already sun shining at my butt (Right, that is impossible). So i didn't go jst in the end cos i was suppose to yam cha with dad which i wish i didn't cos he was having mood swing to the max that caused the atmosphere damn awkward. (I suspect that my brother told him about the nursing thingy). But auntie Tinas said that he was like that out of a sudden. Whatever. Not my business anyway.

So, the event after that was pissingly fucked up. We went to collect the lights for their new house. Fuck it seriously. When we got to the house, Oh.my.fucking.god. It is reasonably big yet Claudia was whining all about how much she doesn't like the house cos it is small. What the fuck please. The house in newton is smaller than the one in Queensway!! She have a fucking bedroom and a study room all to herself. With air con in every room as she requested. CHAO CHEE BYE. Honestly i have the urge to give her one tight slap. Come on la ok, your parents is earning fucking money to provide you everything yet there you are not appreciating it. Take a look at my fucking storeroom-converted-to-bedroom and lets see what you have to say. I bet you can't even survive living in that storeroom for one night so you can keep your fucking mouth shut. I don't care how chee bye my dad is but whatever Claudia is enjoying now is suppose to be mine. I am the one who is suppose to have a fucking proper room on my own. Having a maid and a fucking 40 inch Tv NOT YOU!! But all thanks to your mother you have what you have now and she being called 区太 instead of my mum.

I don't know what's gotten into me but i just became emo out of a sudden. Maybe it is the time of the month. So today, i wanna talk about friends.

I really thank God for placing certain people in my life to mould me into a better person. I know i was a fuck-up bitch who thinks i can rule people. You know? Ordering people around? Yeah that's what i do. I know in primary school, barely a few people wants to be my friend. Because i had bad temper and i was loud and still am. So what i did was actually buy friends. Yes, i thought i finally made really good friends until i start to realise that this two friends only come to me when they want to get something and knowing that i will definitely buy for them. Then out of the blue, this classmate of mine wants to go arcade with me after school and wants to take neo prints. I paid for everything of course. Then i met this group of friends in primary 6. They were really nice and stuff and that only happens when we are out in a group. In times like i want to go talk with either one, none of them will stay and i actually have to bride them with like, money and food then they will stay. But i have no choice because i have no other way making friends.

In secondary school, i tried to keep close with this bunch of pri school friends but they really don't bother calling me when they go out. So i forget about them too. Just meeting up once in a while to act like we are still close but we are obviously not. What finally make me realise they are definitely the ones that i can count on. Cos you see right, there is this girl called P. She is like the richest of us all after my mum closed down the shop. So there was once i had some trouble with some fucking bitch that involves money, so that day i met them because i don't want to go home. So i told them about what happened to me and surprisingly they actually avoided me cos they thought that i want to borrow money from P. I was like, what the fuck? Why do you think i want to borrow money and that didn't come across my mind from her. And Even if i want to, do you really have to avoid me? Just tell me that you don't have the money la. Right? However, thank god for one of them that i got to know Lex.

She is the one that had gone through ups and downs with me until now, although thing isn't the same anymore, our friendship is still as strong. At lease i know that in any circumstances, she wouldn't betray me. I know she loves me like that and i do too. I really love her. She accepts every little inch of me. From good to bad, she takes it all. Knowing that i am someone who doesn't know how to cut short my story, can take 5 minutes to tell a simple experience, she still listen to me. Although sometimes they seems to ignore me but at lease they know i will get hurt like that.

Maybe i should start being firm and be myself. Don't do anything that doesn't goes with my heart. Yeah.

You know this is for you.

I totally agree when you said we should get back together cos whatever we had together was great. How could i agree less since that's what we both always say and we know best ourself how true this is. But honestly, i don't know how far this can bring us to. I told you i want to settle down and no more fooling around. I feel that, we are just trying to pick up from where we stop and continue and refusing to consider the fact that everything had change. Back then, we and i are cool shit. Now, we can't be like the past anymore.. There is so much more to consider like, peers, future, parents, financial and yada yada. You and i have different aspect so it really takes alot of us to really go into this long relationship. I know this will be the same if i be with a guy but honestly, there isn't so much to think about then. AHHH. fuck it. I have totally no idea how to bring it out in a way that you can see it from my point. To make things simple. I did not reply your messages and phone calls is because i have been really thinking about us and conclude that i am not really keen on getting back. NOT because i don't love you anymore, but don't want to spoil what we had. I feel that in our case, once is enough. I love you so much because we've gone through things together and we're back to friends again so i so cherish you.

P.S. Nomatter i overcome my fears and doubts towards guys or not, i think i'll still remain straight. Really really wish you understand i do love you as a friend. Just like S. =))

Labels: Why does it seem that lesbians have alot to think about

Nicole Christine Au
Eleven December 1987
Hongkonger