I feel like an EMO machine right now. Everyday i'm just fucking writing and drawing. How long am i going to write or draw? Am i even going to give them to her? Why am i wasting my ink and and eraser? I am a nurse, not a writer nor an artist, so why am i doing all things other than revising my nursing handbook?

OHMYGOD!! I just want to have a moment of peace, i just want to clear my mind of things and let my eyebrow rest. I have been frowning so much that i think they are about to join together. I don't know what is wrong with me. WHY AM I SO EMO NOW?

Last time i remember walking home from Jelita was when i wanted to be along and think about my spiritual walk. Now i'm walking home from Holland to think about her? What is wrong with me?

See this is my situation, i like her and she doesn't know. I message her and she doesn't reply me. I am about to cry thinking about it and she doesn't have the faintest idea of it. I get upset when my received message wasn't from her and obviously she wouldn't message me for nothing. She doesn't like me but i do. She doesn't think of me that way but i think of her 24/7. She goes out laughing with her friends but i was sulking.

I want her to be part of my life but not in this way. Not in this hurting way. What should i do? Everyone said i should tell her and let her know, at least i tried. BUT HOW AM I EVEN GOING TO TELL HER THAT I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY? She won't even reply me remember?

Everyday i think of how it would be like walking her home, how fast and hard my heart will beat when i first try to hold her hand, how crazy i would look like on my way home after that cos i can't help smiling. I just kept thinking about all this and i can only think. THINK AND THINK AND THINK. THAT'S ALL.

NICOLEAU I REALLY CAN'T STAND YOU. YOU ARE MAKING YOURSELF AN NUISANCE AND IT'S GETTING ON MY NERVE. STOP BEING EMO!!!!!!!!!

Nicole Christine Au
Eleven December 1987
Hongkonger