1st.
I don't need a ring nor a necklace
I don't need money to quench my thirst
There is only one source
To fulfil my hunger, my thirst and emptiness
Please don't shut cos it will hurt like a deep cut
You're so adorable, that i can't fight the urge to hold
So would you please ____ __
Give us a chance to see
The love we're yet seed.

2nd
Oh dear! I need grace
Somehow i can't fight the craze
The motion of her has been puton play
I have been looking her way
Hoping i could look at her and gaze

But i know nothing about her
She doesnt even know how it occured
It must be absurb, to know i'm in love
With this girl i dreamt with in a concert

How do i let her know, each day my love will grow
And hoping she like it so
I don't care how cliche or what others say
Please hear what my heart has got to say
"____ __, i'm so in love with you"

3rd
You may think a thousand ways about me, thinking i might did it to someone else before, or you are just some other girl whom i like. Right now, i want to assure you that you are the only only one i am putting effort in. I dont want to compare you with my ex-es. Because i know i am totally different now. I'm all in a serious mode. You are not just some other girl that i like, you are way more special than that. There are many girls whom i find possibilities with, but none of them triggers my motivations to take a step further with them. Because i can't sense the happiness i'll get. But i always picture you and me. Please don't freak out, in a sweet and proper way tho. For a certain reason, you gave me this comfort which i can't find on any other people. You are the only one i always picture holding hands or having dinner with. Just the simple-and-sweet feeling. I might be thinking too much on my own that you might like me too. If you do, I'm on my way to cloud 9 now, but if that's jsut the way you are, i hope to bring you closer to me, so tha ti can experience more of this comfort. Maybe there is some differences between us, buti hope we could put them aside, because when we are together, i just want that relac and crazy love to be present. I just want to be with you.

4th
How can i combat all the words i wanna say into one short and simple sentence? Will "I'm crazy about you", or "Can i hold you?" express the exact amount of anxiety in my heart? Could you experience the full impact of my desires? To be honest, i wasn't at far east yesterday. I was in PS and i alighted at orchard. Because i want to go home with you. I wanted to walk you home, but i don't know how should i offer, so i jst sat there, stuck on the chair. BUt the journey itself was enjoyable. I knwo this is silly but i can't stop smilling. UNtil waiting for your reply for a long time. What should i do? I can't call you, that would be freaky. But i can't msg you again neither, that would be so annoying. Oh god, what should i do? Probably there isn't anything to do huh? And that annoys the most.

5th
Maybe this is why people say "Love makes one lose control" This is so true. Day and night i can't stop thinking about you and i even dreamt about you. This is totally crazy. How long can i hold this? I am hoping to do my confession on valentine's day. But i was thinking, cani wait till then? I can hardly control my won emotions now and at any moment i just want to scream!! Ob viously i can't do that and i won't do that. And my other concern, what if you don't like me? Then i can't ask you that question.

Can't find an excuse to start a text message, so i just daze in the air and stare. I wonder what more can i say because i', starting to repeat myself, which wouldn't make much sense to you. But everyday, I just want ot write, write down every single detail of my condition, HO ei think of youat all times, how emo i can get just thinking of you. Then it continues into my dream, which causes me to wake up later cos i want to continue those dreams. PLease don't find me strange cos that's the only way i can "see" you.

Now i think again, what if you rejects me since you have never been in a relationship before and i'm so sure there's people liking you before. So since you wouldn't accept others, i wouldn't be that special case. Then i want to get close to you so that at lease you my company would make you feel comfortable. But, other than working, i don't have a good reason to ask you out right? And why would you go out with my anyway.

Ever since you never reply me that night, i didn't smile much. It was like, i don't want to do anything. I don't even want to move. That is how it was like. And it is still going on. Other than i'm actually taking the effort writing it down.

____ __!! Can't you message me? Is it like a sign telling me it is impossible?

My god!! I so want to get drunk and not htink about anything.

6th
You're not replying me at all. This is so annoying . Why are you not replying? Are you finding me a nuisance now? And that you're understanding why am i messaging you all the time? Yes, as a friend and a colleage, it is rather irritation to message all the time. I can't blame you but neither can you nlame me. I just want to talk to you, to laugh and stuff. But you're not replying me at all. So you always reply so slow? Or it is just me that you ain't replying?

How can i sleep peacefully at anight? What should be done to reframe myself from checking my phone? Shall i just give all out and just tell you that i like you? Or should i actually just stop bothering you? But how can i give up so easily? You're rare and i want to cherish you. I don't exactly know what i want, since you've never been in a relationship before, i don't want to ruin you by making you crook and i don't really want your first relationship to be with a girl. Oh my god!! This is getting crazier each day and all i want is just to see you reply.

7th
One moment wih you
that is all i need
To confess my heart
And let it be known

It's becoming oblivious that i can't hold on anymore
Can't stand the fact i'm not the one you;re missing
Yet you're all i can think of every single moment

I don't like the way i get upset cos you dind't reply
I don't like the moment i wanna flare cos i get so frusrated
Why cant you feel it that i want youre responce?

If a message from you can brighten me up,
Would you fo it?
If a walk back to your house could make me jump with joy,
Would you allow me?
I f a nod from you could make me the happiest one,
Would you accpet it?

I have a ton loads of questions to ask
But i'm so afraid that i t would send you away
I'm feeling exhausted from all the thinking of possibilities
Just an assurance, that's all i need
But i can't even find a chance to talk to you
Then how can i make my first move?
I just wan to talk to you
I just want a conversatoin
So i can tell you how i'm handling all this affections

This is what i wrote for her. There's actually many things i planned. LIke, how i should i ask her out on valentine's day to watch P.S I love you. I think i should stop here. It's making me feel damn terrible. The thought of it, i can't hear her name, i can't see her name and i can't see her, cannot even think of her look. All this is driving me crazy.

An empty room with a caged window to the grey sky, that what i want now.

Not much people's coming to my blog so i don't mind typing this down. I actually cried trice today, for her. Once at the shop, i just couldn't control those tear so i let it roll. The 2nd time was at the bus stop, i was listening to my mp3 and "Why don't you kiss her" was playing again. I sob. The last time, was the most hurtful one i guess, i didn't expect myself to really cry it out loud. I hope someone out there can testify with me the agony and aching. It really hurts, really really hurts.

It has been a long time ago since i last did it. Buying chocolates and meet her in the middle of the night just to pass it to her and stuff. But i actually did it again just yesterday. All i wanted to do was meet her and pass her the chocolates and that is all. But she didn't even give me that chance to say anything. End up i stayed over at faynat's house and we ate the chocolate. It's very lame i know, but hello, i feel the pain eating them alright. It meant to be hers, yet i have to eat them cos i know i won't get a chance seeing her anytime soon.

Are you hurting me or am i hurting myself?

I was having a very good mood this after, i was drawing (again) i was smiling at every customer and saying "Hi!! the second peice is 50% off!!". I was enjoying the afternoon sunlight and 98.7 was playing really nice songs. So i was in a great mood infect. Until evening time when Pauline start coming to irritate me again. Pauline is this primary 3/4 girl whose mum works at the hawker center. This small little girl, is very rude and she just won't stop irritating you. When you pat her head she goes "OUCH!!" and hit you real hard. Like, wtf?? And then she starts asking you this and that question like who are you drawing? Why you draw your friend? AARRRGGG!! So right after she does that to me again, i tuned to bad mood almost immediately. I thought i calmed down alot until i came home. My mum was like, "Take out your lunchbox or it'll turn smelly." I thought i brought it to the kitchen but apparently i left it in my room. Don't know why but my mum flip open the curtain and she saw the lunchbox, then she goes again "Told you to bring it to the kitchen and you won't do it. I see when will you take it out again. I am keeping quite i tell you, recently i have been keeping quite. I won't talk about it i tell you, i want to see when will you bring it out. I won't talk." Then what are you doing may i know? You talked to much recently yet you said that you are not talking much? Is that a joke?

I feel like an EMO machine right now. Everyday i'm just fucking writing and drawing. How long am i going to write or draw? Am i even going to give them to her? Why am i wasting my ink and and eraser? I am a nurse, not a writer nor an artist, so why am i doing all things other than revising my nursing handbook?

OHMYGOD!! I just want to have a moment of peace, i just want to clear my mind of things and let my eyebrow rest. I have been frowning so much that i think they are about to join together. I don't know what is wrong with me. WHY AM I SO EMO NOW?

Last time i remember walking home from Jelita was when i wanted to be along and think about my spiritual walk. Now i'm walking home from Holland to think about her? What is wrong with me?

See this is my situation, i like her and she doesn't know. I message her and she doesn't reply me. I am about to cry thinking about it and she doesn't have the faintest idea of it. I get upset when my received message wasn't from her and obviously she wouldn't message me for nothing. She doesn't like me but i do. She doesn't think of me that way but i think of her 24/7. She goes out laughing with her friends but i was sulking.

I want her to be part of my life but not in this way. Not in this hurting way. What should i do? Everyone said i should tell her and let her know, at least i tried. BUT HOW AM I EVEN GOING TO TELL HER THAT I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY? She won't even reply me remember?

Everyday i think of how it would be like walking her home, how fast and hard my heart will beat when i first try to hold her hand, how crazy i would look like on my way home after that cos i can't help smiling. I just kept thinking about all this and i can only think. THINK AND THINK AND THINK. THAT'S ALL.

NICOLEAU I REALLY CAN'T STAND YOU. YOU ARE MAKING YOURSELF AN NUISANCE AND IT'S GETTING ON MY NERVE. STOP BEING EMO!!!!!!!!!

All i want is to stare into space and daze. I kept thinking about it, but, there isn't much things to think about. The only thing i can feel now is ache and numb. I can't operate because it's taking too much from me. It feels like my soul has been captured. I can't think and i can't breathe, every little inch i go into this emotion, my heart aches. Yet it seems like nothing could be done, nothing can help change for the better. Just why won't you reply me?

Ooh girl
I don't want nobody else
Without you theres no one left and
You're like Jordans on Saturday
I gotta have you and I can not wait now
Hey little shorty
Say you care for me
You know I care for you
You know that I'll be true
You know that I won't lie
You know that I will try
To be your everything


Jesse McCartney - Why don't you kiss her

We're the best of friends
And we share our secrets
She knows everything
That is on my mind
Lately, something's changed
As I lie awake in my bed
A voice here inside my head
Softly says

[Chorus]
Why don't you kiss her
Why don't you tell her
Why don't you let her see
The feelings that you hide
Cause she'll never know
If you never show
The way you feel inside

Oh, I'm so afraid
To make that first move
Just a touch and we
Could cross the line
And everytime she's near
I wanna never let her go
Confess to her what my heart knows
Hold her close

[Chorus]
Why don't you kiss her
Why don't you tell her
Why don't you let her see
The feelings that you hide
Cause she'll never know
If you never show
The way you feel inside

What would she say
I wonder, would she just turn away
Or would she promise me
That she's here to stay
It hurts me to wait
I keep asking myself

[Chorus]
Why don't you kiss her (tell her you love her)
Why don't you tell her (tell her you need her)
Why don't you let her see
The feelings that you hide
Cause she'll never know
If you never show
The way you feel inside
Why don't you kiss her

I guess an occational drunk session is fine, it just helps me get my mind off stuff i'm vexing with. Anyhow, i can't wait to go Bangkok again!! Though it's gonna months later, but who cares. Time is known to missed before you notice right?

I should get some sleep soon so i won't waste most of my day. Mr Willingness, when are you ready to exercise?

OH MY GOD!! I SWEAR I HATE THIS FEELING. THE UNCERTAINTY AND CONSIOUSNESS. OH DEAR, WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO?

I have to go through all the emotions again. Am i sure that it is worth it? I know that saying, "try or you'll never know." But what if that try changes everything? I don't even dare to mention anything cos i am so scared that she will not talk to me the same way again. Somehow, i am always the one initiating the conversation, does that mean she don't feel any special way about me? What if she is testing me? But what if she's not? Oh my god!!! I can't stop thinking the way she laugh and her photo, oh my goodness. I can't stop smiling!!!!! NICOLE AU'S GOING CRAZY!!!!! I'M NUT!!!! NICOLENUT. HAHAHAHAHAHA. goodnight

You know that i don't plan for spares. I won't wake up earlier then my desire time and i will only eat my desire amount. All this you know, but you are always asking me to do this and that last minute. Always cook me food even knowing i just ate. So what if it is vegetables only? Aren't they food? Isn't it that i still have to chew them and force them down my throat? I am not being non apprecitive here, just why can't you spare me? If i am free or hungry, obviusly i will eat them or do them right. How can you suddenly ask me to do housework or stuff like that when i am about to go out already? Or how can you ask me to eat again when i just finnish one packet of noodles and a bowl fo soup? If i were to ask you to do that, you will say that i am crazy and you are so not going to do that. Then are to crazy to ask me to do the same thing? You get mad at me when i don't want to eat your food, but you are always not eating me cookings too. So waht's the big deal that you have to throw your temper? What the fuck la ok.

Life is back t square 1 = Work. haha. Been quite slack tho cos i'm working in holland. So not much of crowd but have been falling asleep cos it has been raining, the music is smoothing and the fan. Oh my goodness, bring me a bed please. haha.

actually i have nothing to blog about. Just feel like typing something down here to move a little bit of my blog.

I wonder if anyone would ever stay in my life for long or, does anything last for long? Nothing in my life last for long. Be it friendship, relationship or passions, it can't hold on for long. Where's the problem and what's the matter? Am i the problem?

I read through my previous post and diaries, then i try to play back those days. Which are the days i hang out with yada yada, when was it that i have been alone for that period of time.

Maybe i'm just C.M.I to the max. That is why i'm a failure in friendship and relationship. I can salvage nothing. Nothing with me last long.

Who say so that as long as you are true and loving, love will come to you? Who says it's true? I say it's fake, it's a lie and it's a trap. It makes you give in all of you and you get hurt in return. When time is up, love will walk out the door and there will be nothing you can do. I've experience it all.

That is why i always say to myself, the best is still to believe in yourself and rely on yourself. For you won't be disappointed or discourage when things don't turn out the way people promised it to be.

You just shouldn't trust in anyone other than yourself. I'm serious.

Don't know why but i ain't really that excited about 2008. Probably cos i know it will be almost the same as this year, other than all the sudden stops and commotion. Other than that, i guess my life will just be the same. Whether will it be a meaningful and a fulfilling year or just a year to pass, it really depends on how i organise my days and how disciplined i am to follow it.

Anyhow, i haven been blogging because i have been staying at home this few days. Other than Christmas countdown and new year countdown. Spent it all with Mumbo people. They're a fun bunch of people. HAHA. Tho they're quite meng but still, they're fun.

I don't know because i haven been thinking for my 08's resolution. It has became a habit for me to think up thinks like this because for a christian, you'll often asked to think about it.

To be honest, i was thinking, that maybe i want a relationship. Then again, i was thinking, maybe at the end of the day, i can't be bothered again. Don't understand why but i don't seem to bother about people who happens to like me or something although i kind of badly want a relationship. HAHA. Maybe i'm so used to being alone and like, you know, doing things alone other then going out with friends. Days like off days or something, i'm used to plan staying at home, watching my Thai drama or something. Even if i do like someone (more like a crush actually), i won't think of asking that person out or even worse, i don't even bother taking the initiative to talk to her. Weird right? But i don't know, after all, all i want is a simple and sweet long relationship. Oh wells.

Don't want to blog already, dinner's up and i'm GONE!!

Nicole Christine Au
Eleven December 1987
Hongkonger