My title for today's post is "This will be a very emo post". Because i have alot of questions i want to ask and confessions i want to do today.

1st, Mum.

My mum's leaving for Hongkong tomorrow and she won't be coming back. Even if she does, it will be a very time after. Alright, i think many people know, at lease those who know me quite well, i am a mummy's girl. I cannot live without my mum. Though i complain about her or bitch about her, she's still the mother i can't live without. She is still the one i go to when i feel emo at night, she is still the one who will cook me food that i want exactly the taste i love. She is still the one who loves me the most on earth. She is still the one. I mean, i am not boasting or saying that other mum's not good, just that i feel that my mum's doing things i don't think other mums will. Like back then when i stop schooling, mix with the bad companies and being a lesbian. She was very understanding and kind to actually accept me for who i am. When i have problems with my girlfriends, she actually listen to my problems and give me advise like, i should tell her how i feel and stuff like that? Don't you think she's really a great mum? When she found how that i smoke and periced my tongue, she didn't scold me like any mum will. She just never say anything. I know it's because she was too upset to say anything but when we got home, she still cook and talk to me as per normal. You may say that this is she dont know how to teach me but i would say that it is because she love me too much that she don't want to restrict me. But she did tell me not to do it so often after that. Oh no, i am definately going to miss my mum so much that whatever happened in december will happen again.


2nd - Netball

I am not a good player on court. I can't play well. I make alot of mistakes like stepping and dragging. I dont know why but i always make mistakes like this. So i tell myself "No, if i don't train on my own hard enough i will never improve." So this year, i train really much. I kept training myself no matter how tired i am. Even if i worked night shift yesterday i still wake up early today morning to train for that 2 hours. I do all this because i don't want them to think that i am forever that Nicole who can't play. Honestly speaking, i did improve. I don't make those mistakes anymore. And during training, i see myself playing well and not only from myself. My seniors tells me that too and that make my glad. Because my hard work is finally paid off. But now, i think i have a problem. Is it that i deprove? Or it is a habit to blame me? I don't know if blame is the right word, but the meaning is around there. Like, when you miss a pass, was it really my fault? That i threw too high? Or you never make the effort to jump? Sometimes i see for myself, i know it isn't my wrong. But i don't say it because sometimes you don't know what you did on court. But now that i see again, i see that you wasn't even prepared to catch the ball so the more you wouldn't jump for it. But yet you ask me, "Nicole, who are you throwing to? I am here, not there!". To you, this remarks may be as casual as saying hello to a friend, but to me, it have the ability to make me think for the whole night. So now i want to know, is it a habit for you or anyone to say "Nicole!!" when something go wrong on court? Or i really make that mistake? I know some of the times i did that mistake, but seriously i don't think i did them all the time. If you know what i mean.

Labels: emotions are not meant to be kept

Nicole Christine Au
Eleven December 1987
Hongkonger