Service today was simply GREAT!! God touched my heart once again. It was went Pastor Jeff said "God loves you". He repeated it for twice. And it was went it really hit me. God loves you. So simple yet hit me so hard. I felt the rush of guilt in my heart when he said it the second time. I hate myself so much that God had made so much sacrifies for me yet i took it for granted. Why would a GOD die for me? Mind you, we are talking about a GOD here. Died for me so that i could be free, but what am i doing here? Sinning again and again cos i know that GOD will forgive me at the end of the day once i asked him to. But i don't want to live my life like this anymore, I want to grow in GOD and walk with him closely. Because i know that being a christian isn't only about coming church on saturday and forget about him totally. It is about living life with GOD every single day. But yet on any other day, i will just live life like i have no GOD in me. I say "fuck", i smoke, i look at girls in the lesbian way and even now, i am not even able to identify my own label. Why is that so? Because a part of me wants to stay as a lesbian.

But now, i want to be different. I no longer want to live life like this. I want to renew my spiritual life with GOD. I want to turn straight, i want to quit smoking, i want to stop saying vulgarities. Not because being a christian you can't do all this, But because it falls short of the perfection of GOD. I love you JESUS!!

Anyway, i am sorry that i did not join you girls today.

I have something to blog about. But i have not such much time now, so i will do it tomorrow. Till then, miss me

And love GOD.

Labels: At the cross

Nicole Christine Au
Eleven December 1987
Hongkonger