So this is how love works. I grows in you and the two become one. That's when life becomes incomplete without the other half.

4th sept 2008 is the day we met

It's been a year from then and this one year changed my life completely. You grown in me in such a way i can't refuse and i love it. There are so many habits i adopted without realising it and habit dies hard.


You are my baby and you'll always be my baby. When i think of you it wasn't "Christina" but " Baby" that came to my mind. Really, you're always the first person that comes to my mind. Whenever i see something interesting or it caught my attention, i can always picture how it would be like if you're here and how our conversation will be like. It feels like i'm dating with myself.


If i stayed on in hk, i wouldn't be going through all this pain and jealousy but that also meant i'll never know how much you are to me and i will never be happy cos my happiness is you.

So i'm glad i am back in sg now, going on a whole new path. You keeps me going, you're my motivation, you are my goal. Our future is my goal.

I miss you at home..
You staying over so that i can hug you to sleep
You will be reading the comic book when i finish bathing
You always ask if it's ok if you don't bath and i'll always check you thoroughly.
You'll get tired so fast while massaging me
You'll hide in the room whenever my brother or mother's at home cos you're scared of them
You by my side brushing teeth together with me in the morning just like married couple


I miss you at Lex's house..
You getting angry while sleeping cos i didn't hug you enough
You will always stay in bed and make me bring in food for you
You sitting on my right at the dining table always
You will always call me "fat" whenever i cook noodles late night but you'll eat too
We will always require you to explain some things to yanti cos you know malay?


I miss you at your house..
That one time stayover that we slept on the same bed eventually but rolled down to the floor first thing in the morning cos your mum's coming in anytime soon
The time that i wanted to bake a cake with you for mel but you baked 80% of it already
We spent our 1st and 5th month at the rooftop and my birthday bbq.


I miss you at gardens..
The house that we always took ideas from for our future house
Outside macs where we recorded that "Mega Mc spicy only want the patty".
Where we settled our first huge row over dinner at that indian stall.
Where we saw this couple who looked like they just moved in and heading out for dinner after painting the house? That's we said that's how we will be like in a few years' time?



I miss you..
I miss your thin fingers between mine
That smile that will always make me laugh
The way you call me "Baby ar" whenever i say/do something stupid
How your hug feels like
The thickness of your lips
How you will always screw my head whenever i said "Ya" in the korean way
You'll frown like Jayme
The way you act like a bimbo
The way you'll pat me to sleep
The way you always confuse those ants with your cigarette
Tuesday night C.S.I Miami and Citybeat and everynight Yu le bai fen bai's repeat.



I miss..
Trying all ways to make you miss the last bus home so that you can stay with me longer
I love how i will never get sick of seeing you
How every outing with you is like the best day ever
Having you in my arms the whole day, just cuddling in bed
How great it is to have you coming down to my work place to wait for me, it's just like i'm the luckiest human being.
How you'll take care of me when i get drank
All the talks and craps we shared
How i always say you're the best wife for me


I love you..
You are the only one whom i can love like that. We were going well in the past despite being broke all the time. You stood by me all the way. I really hate myself for making the decision to go back to hongkong. I used to think and pity myself that i have to deal with everything on my own over there and i have noone to cry on. I had never placed myself in your shoe that you have to go through everything on your own too. That you have to face everything with the picture of me. Now that i am back, i know exactly what you mean. It really hurts not to have you to complete the picture.

You're so far away now. I don't even know what are you thinking and that hurts, really hurts. To know that a bung and a guy is so close to you that they know so much more than i do. I'm like such a normal friend to you or even worse than that. My heart really hurts.

After seeing you that day, all my emotions starts pouring out. The urge to hug you and kiss you just like before is so strong. Just like how we were like. Can we please start over again? Please don't be so cold to me, i really can't take it.

I will really work hard and provide a better living. I learned my lesson in hk. I will really get a stable job and work very hard. Habits like laziness and all i will change, whatever that will affect our future i will change. My temper and stubborn-ness i will change too, i know you put up with that alot and it's not being fair to you.

You are right, i was a childish and insensitive moron to say all those hurtful stuff in my blog about you. Just because i was angry so i allowed my emotion to lead me. Why didn't i think about the other time that you took out that post for me cos i told you i was hurt and you did that right away? I am gonna kick off this habit, i want to think more for you from now on. I want to be sensitive to all your needs and make the best effort to give you what you need.

Please don't block me out? Please? I love you alot and i swear this time's gonna be different. Give me another chance? This few days has been like hell for me. Being totally not involved in your life is killing me. I cna't stand being so far away from you. If this is my punishment for my mistake, i learned my lesson. Can it stop already? Forgive me christina, please. I beg you, please!!

Gosh i really miss sg.. I miss all my friends there and i can't wait to be myself once again. People here are all concious about image and stuff, not that it's bad. But friends who know me should know what i'm saying, i am so loud and jumpy. Now i have to tone down and act cool and try to stand out all the time. It's really tiring, but yet at the same time, i will not be notice if i just be who i am. I am turning concious too.

I looked at LKM's facebook today and i realised how great it is to be in sg, that all you have to do is to put on a more decent shirt or something and you're good. A tee and shorts and you're ok. But here, walau eh. Everything damn detailed all, hair... You know i don't bother about my hair right, but now everyday must style..

Talk to girls cannot laugh too happily, but keep the stern and cool image. Cannot even be too nice to girls or they won't like you. They like Bs that are players. Weird right? Weird.

Thank god Kabe grew up in canada so she's different from them. I hope we work out well =]

Coming back to hk is really much complicating than everything seems to be. First it's about the job and a place to stay, never thought about human relationships plays such a huge factor.

It's like, my grandparents always plays a very mercy and understanding role in my memory, not that they are not, but really much lesser than i thought they were. I never knew explaining something to make them understand can be that difficult. I'm still young, you think going to work and staying at home is all what my life's gonna be? It's not gonna happen.

Really, communicating and living with them is really... I don't quite know how to describe that kind of feelings. Yeah my brother's gonna say when he live with them nothing of such happened and he ill never make them worry and yada yada yada. But you know what? I am no you, i am different from any other one in the family. Not that i am bad, i just can't be tied down, i need lots of freedom. Yeah you had never really scolded me or stuff but the things you said and all is enough to say everything.

If it isn't for my mum that i wanna protect from them, i never had to be like this. I would had just walked off and seriously care about a single shit about them. And i shall emphasize that I DON'T HATE THEM AND THEY ARE NOT BAD GUYS. Just that they are different from the way i thought they are and those are enough to suffocate me.

Moving out may be still out of my ability and far fetch, but i really have to do so. It's tough, it's not just like going to somebody;s house. I don't know man. I just wanna stay away. I am never the best choice to be a role model so i can never represent my family. I am not the outcome of my mum, i really hope they see this point and not pin point my mum or think my mum's pushing the responsibility to them.

And seriously stop thinking my mum is wrong for bringing me and my brother away back then, cos i can assure you this point and if we were to follow your son, we will not be where we are now, we will be in jail. Your son's the worse man i ever met. Even man who hits their wives they don't hide it though it's as shameful but at least they admit, not like you who cheats and totally destroyed a family. And don';t you even dare think you have the rights to teach us what to do or even speak to my mum cos thing like you have nothing but just a smelly mouth to talk. You don't do anything you don't even care about anything. Maybe i inherited it from you, what a shame.

你我彼此是对方的最爱
也是最真实的爱
相爱一生不是目标
而是到达地点

是我想的太单纯
我们没那么强
原来我们最受不起的
就是距离

爱太深
太难接受

放手是为了谅解
并非是件坏事
虽然很难
但为了彼此快乐
这是明确的

不知道何年何时能够复合
也可能从此都不会
不愿想象往后没有你的日子

回忆该怎么收藏
日子该怎么适应
见面该怎么称呼
还能牵你的手吗
能把你紧紧得抱着吗

我们
还能继续吗？

Hi? this is so awkward. It feels like i am talking to people in Singapore but yet i feel that no one will come here anymore. Never mind, i don't know what am i talking about.

So this is like the 3rd day in hk and i swear it feels more than that. I don't know how am i feeling actually. Seems like getting a job is all that i can think of now but i know i am thinking of so many things else. Like my baby, my friends and how's everyone doing. Maybe because i wasn't able to contact anyone so i feel kinda distanced from everyone i know. Being able to come back to hk and "join" my family members seems like one of my dream but now that i am back here with them, i also realised that there isn't much to talk to them about. I have missed out too much for too many years.

Although this is only the 3rd day in hk but i realised alot of things. Maybe cos i am "alone" now so i have so-called quiet time on my own to do some thinking. I realised that coming back here is very different from how i expected it to be. I am not as prepared as i thought i am. As much i thought i can be independent, i am not as strong. Thought i hasn't shed a tear since i touch down but that is only because i don't have any opportunity to do so cos my mum is with me all day long and stuff. Have you ever felt like you have something in your throat yet coughing doesn't help in anyways? That is how i am feeling. Maybe i just don't want to cry cos i am afraid that the reason so is that i hasn't moved on and i am not ready.

I think i acted like a bad guy for leaving my baby and friends in Singapore so i really want to put away all my feelings and make a good living here so that everything will be worth it. I really don't want to screw this opportunity. I will regret for life. hmm.

One thing that make me really wanna work even harder is that, i saw my motivation. My mum and i was walking about at TST bay yesterday and we all saw this big starbucks in the concept of our dream cafe. Really the way i wanted it to be. After looking at it, in my mind i was thinking this is what i am working for.

omgomgomgomgomgomg. im missing missy au already. i really don't want you to go back!!!!!!!!!!



but i can't do anything about it either.








xtina

Nicole Christine Au
Eleven December 1987
Hongkonger